


Apoptosis

by Dragonskye



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 07:09:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7967284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragonskye/pseuds/Dragonskye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The war is over. For some reason, Allen doesn't feel like celebrating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apoptosis

There wasn’t much left of the Millennium Earl - or the monstrosity that the Mana/Nea/Adam fusion had become. The suit lay in a hollow, ruined sack on the ground, the spirit that had powered it gone. Its occupant, like Skinn Bolic, Road, and all the other Noah, had dissolved into dust. 

They had won. Sort of. 

In the moment, all Allen could think about was the cold. It was night, and the adrenaline had long since faded, leaving him shivering and vulnerable. 

At first, at least. Now the initial tremors had given away to something different; an insidious ice cold creeping through his veins. It numbed the pain, and something in Allen thought he should be worried about that. Was that really a bad thing? 

It didn’t matter. It wasn’t a priority. 

“Lenalee?” he called weakly. His voice didn’t carry far, even in the open field. Allen drew a shaking breath, barely wincing as the effort pulled at his open wounds. “L-Lavi? Kanda?” 

They’d been blown apart, in that last blast that heralded the destruction of the Millennium Earl. He had to find them. He… 

He heard a whisper, and strained his ears to catch it. A few seconds later, it repeated again. He recognized the tone. 

“Kanda?” Allen murmured. “Kanda! Where are you!”

A shadowy figure moved in his periphery, Low to the ground, about twenty or thirty feet away.

“Beansprout?” Kanda’s voice was rough and rubbed raw, but Allen reveled in the sound. It meant someone was still alive. It meant he was still alive to hear it.  

“My name’s  _Allen_ ,” he muttered, mostly for the sake of it, and raised his voice as much as he could. “Stay put, okay? I’m - I’m coming over.” 

Easy to say, when he could barely move on his own.

Getting his legs beneath him was the (comparatively) simple part. Allen tried to stand, and his entire body screamed in protest. It was just like how it had been during the Level Four’s attack, except worse. And this time, he didn’t even have the strength to summon Crown Clown. 

It took some combination of crawling and scooting to get himself alongside the other exorcist. And then Allen just collapsed, exhausted and beaten down.

“You look like crap,” Kanda told him. Allen let out a breath of something between amusement and pain. “Like you’re any better.” 

It was true. Kanda’s healing tattoo had lost most of its potency before the final battle, and the dark bloodstains spreading across his uniform front probably should have made Allen want to throw up. Instead, he just felt the looming shadow of predetermination weigh more on his shoulders.

“Shouldn’t have tried to move, idiot,” Kanda murmured. “I would have gone.” He sounded pretty mellow, for Kanda. Maybe it was the blood loss getting to him. 

“You can’t even sit up without using Mugen,” Allen felt compelled to point out.

“Shut up, beansprout.” 

Even laughter hurt. 

“What about the others?” Allen asked. In the darkness, he saw Kanda shrug. “I saw someone moving over there.”

Allen followed his glance. Even squinting, it was difficult to make anything out in the darkness. All he saw were the outlines of tall grass, with lumps that could be rocks interspersed here and there. He was about to say so when one of the lumps shifted, ever so slightly, and spoke. “Kanda? A-Allen? Is that you?”

“Lenalee? We’re here!” he called. “Are you okay? Is Lavi with you?”

A moment of hesitation. Allen’s heart sank. Then, “Lavi’s here. He… he doesn’t look good, though.” 

_We can fix this. We can-_

Allen clamped down on everything he wanted to say, and instead, managed the shadow of a smile. Even if she couldn’t see it, it bolstered his own dying reserves of confidence. “Sit tight. We’ll be right over.“

Kanda snorted, but heaved himself up to stand shakily upright. He leaned heavily on his sword and offered his other arm to help Allen up without prompting. After the brief respite, it was easier for Allen to stand up this time, especially with Kanda as an additional support. Together, they ended up half-staggering the distance, which was… farther than it seemed. Kanda wouldn’t complain, but he seemed reluctantly grateful for the short breaks that Allen called in between twenty or thirty feet spurts, guided by the sound of Lenalee’s voice.

He was infinitely grateful when their friend’s pale face emerged out of the stillness. She had found a bigger rock to lean against. Her face was scuffed and dirty, and like Kanda, her hair ties had broken, the long locks now hanging almost past her elbows. Lavi’s head lay in her lap, eyes closed and blood trickling from a bruise on his temple. 

Lenalee bit her lip. "I’m sorry I made you walk that far on your own.”

Kanda, predictably, scowled. “Don’t pity me.” He abruptly broke his grip on Allen’s upper arm and sat down, back to the rock. Allen sighed and scooted over to sit on Lenalee’s other side, pulling Lavi’s torso onto his own lap. 

Allen offered a tiny smile. Everything hurt. “It wasn’t that bad. Promise.”

Lenalee’s returning smile was watery and without conviction. “I could barely drag Lavi,” she whispered. “And - I can’t feel my legs.”

Allen swallowed, and tried not to consider the implications of that. “Komui’ll fix it,” he told her. “The Science Division always comes through. Lavi, too." 

 _We’re all going to be okay_ , he wanted to say, but couldn’t quite muster up the strength to believe it. Not with Kanda nursing terrible wounds and Lavi unconscious and Lenalee maybe paralyzed. Not to mention the ashes in his throat and the blood turning to ice in his veins.

The Earl was the first and last of the Noah, the protector of the immortal Noah memory. Did that mean that if he died, so did the rest?

Allen would be the only proof of that, now.

Before Lenalee could respond, there was a groan. They all stared as Lavi moaned again, one hand coming up to cradle his head.

"I feel like i just drank another dose of Komuvitamin D,” he muttered hoarsely, and that startled a semi-hysterical laugh out of Lenalee.

“Welcome back, Lavi,” Allen told him. Lavi grinned at him, then tilted his head back to eye Kanda. “Hey, Yuu. Didja miss me?”

“Go back to sleep before I make you,” was Kanda’s flat response. No comment on the nickname. Huh. 

“Hey, hey, Yuu, no need to rush,“ Lavi teased, though the amusement in his single eye had gone a little flat. "Where are we?”

“The Ark was anchored over Nepal. I’d say the mountain range?” Lenalee glanced at the others for confirmation. Allen’s eyes had begun to adjust, and the dark shapes had resolved into scrubby trees, grass and rocks. The blast from the destruction of the Earl’s Ark had landed them in some kind of deserted meadow, on one of the lower slopes if the mountains that towered over them were anything to go by. They could be anywhere in the Himalayas.

“The golems?”

“Destroyed.” Kanda, short and bitter.  _So nobody knows where we are_ , was the unspoken implication. 

“And I can’t summon the Ark.” Allen sighed and leaned his head against the rock. It was oddly peaceful. With the night sky as his only reference, it almost felt like the heavens could swallow him whole. 

And then Lenalee said, “You’re shivering.” 

Allen blinked. “Me?” He was, though, and now that he was aware of it, the shaking wouldn’t just stop. He rubbed his arms, trying to restore blood circulation. 

“Do you guys feel cold at all?” 

“… No.” Lavi, the first speck of suspicion blooming in his dazed eye. “It’s not that cold. Warm, even. Isn’t it summer here?” 

Oh.  _Oh_. 

Allen barked out a weak laugh. “Feels like my entire body is freezing solid.” 

SIlence, as everyone processed what that could mean.

“You need to warm up,“ Lenalee said decisively. 

Allen hesitated. He didn’t want her to move any more than necessary. “If what’s happening - if it’s because of the Noah genes, then-“ 

“Shut up.” Lavi and Kanda told him in unison. Lenalee shifted over a little and put her arms around him. "Lavi, you’re practically a space heater.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Lavi’s light voice belied the tension in his face. “Help me up, I feel like an invalid.”

With some moving and shifting, Allen was now sandwiched between Lenalee and Lavi, who had settled into his new spot with no shortage of curse words in an impressive variety of languages. Even Kanda had slipped his arm around Allen’s and Lenalee’s shoulders. 

“Better?” Lenalee asked. They were squished together like sardines in a can.

“Better,” Allen said, because he didn’t want to make her upset. 

Besides, it was nice, having all of them here like this, shoulder to shoulder. Not that he would have necessarily wished this situation on any of them, but it was better than facing it alone, as selfish as that was. 

Time passed in mostly silence, and Allen realized that he actually wasn’t sure how long they had been out before waking up. The sky was starting to lighten, the gently waving meadow grass that much more visible in the wan light. It’d be dawn, in an hour or two. He wondered whether it’d look different, out here in the mountain wilderness. He wondered-

“I never thought I’d survive the war,” Lenalee said quietly, startling him out of the momentary reverie. She coughed out a quiet chuckle, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I guess I thought I could live with Komui. We’d be together. I didn’t plan much beyond that.”

Allen filled in the uncertainty. “I’d travel the world,” he said firmly. “Go everywhere, and eat every kind of food there is." 

“Not the Bookmen,” Lavi muttered with some humor. “Once this war was done, we would have washed off the blood and moved onto the next. Humanity is always sowing conflict.” 

“Can’t wash off the Innocence,” Allen said. Lavi’s smile turned wry, and almost unconsciously, he tugged at the red bangle around his wrist. 

“Kanda?” At some point Lenalee had leaned down to rest her head against Kanda’s shoulder. He hadn’t moved away.

“Who cares.”

“Play along, Jerkanda.” 

“In what world do I take orders from you, idiot beansprout?” 

Kanda’s murder glare gave Allen new strength. “In what world do you cross Lenalee?” he shot back, and smugly watched Kanda’s scowl fade into the  _I-can’t-believe-you-pulled-the-Lenalee-card-jackass_ look. And then stony blankness. 

“We’re accommodators,” Kanda growled. “Dying was always part of the equation.” 

“That’s what you think,” Lavi countered. "It’s because you’ve grown up in it.” He leaned his shoulder against Allen’s, smile going empty. “That’s the way exorcists like you lot are, you know. The war is everything you’ve known. You’re almost afraid to face whatever might come after.”

None of them had much to say to that. Probably because it was true. 

What concerned him more was that Lavi had fallen into that lecturing tone he and Bookman sometimes adopted - creepily blank voice, farseeing gaze and all. Allen smacked him, just to snap him out of it. 

“Ow! Way to beat a dead horse.” Silence. Lavi blinked. “Ah. Too soon?” 

Lenalee fiddled with one of the buttons on her coat. “Won’t be around when it’s not,” Kanda grumbled, the most direct acknowledgement that Allen had heard so far. At least Lavi was himself again, laughing eyes and all. Though at this point, they were more resigned than amused. “Sorry. Point is, though, I joined up later than all you losers. It made it easier to see the difference.” 

“Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean we can’t adapt,” Lenalee said, a light kindling in her eyes. "You could come live with us, after you were done traveling, Allen. Kanda, you too. A-and Lavi could write his history. The Holy War According To Lavi Bookman, right?”

“Roommates, you mean?” Lavi grinned. 

“We’d murder each other,” Allen muttered reverently.

“If that siscon didn’t kill us first,” Kanda added, though significantly, Allen thought, did not argue in direct opposition to the plan.

And man, was it a stupid one. 

“Let’s do it,” Allen said, surprising himself. “Live together. It could work.”

“What job pays enough to feed you, beansprout?” 

“What employer would put up with your bullshit, idiot Kanda?” 

“Now, now, children,” Lavi muttered. Both of them ignored him. 

God only knew why they were still acting like it was all going to work out. Because at this point, Allen was sure they’d realized that none of it was going to happen. 

Maybe it just took a reminder. Which was what Kanda helpfully provided when he opened his mouth to spew more insults and instead retched up a mouthful of blood.

“Gross,” Lavi whispered. Kanda straightened, wiped his face on his sleeve, and glared viciously. “The next time it’ll be on you, rabbit.” 

“Go ahead, please,” Lenalee muttered, whose jacket had suffered the brunt of the impromptu vomit. She glared Allen down when he tried to offer her his overcoat instead, though, already going to take hers off.

“You need the insulation. I’ll be fine in just my tank top.” 

They all saw the moment when her hands froze in the middle of shrugging out of her sleeves, her entire body going ramrod stiff. Kanda cursed and reached to catch her, only to overextend himself and almost fall. Lenalee slumped back against the rock, eyes glassy with fresh pain.

“Lenalee!” Lavi croaked. “Dammit, how bad is it?" 

Allen was already fumbling at the uniform, the thick material unusually sticky and stiff.

His hand went through a hole, and Allen followed it through until it touched something horrifyingly warm and wet. Allen almost recoiled. 

"Allen? Tell me what’s going on!" 

All he could do was stare. 

Lenalee stirred. "I thought I’d stopped the bleeding,” she mumbled. 

“Are you kidding me?” Kanda growled. Allen couldn’t help but reciprocate. 

Something, maybe shrapnel, had punched a bloody hole clear through her lower left abdomen. She’d stanched it with a section ripped from her stockings, but it had soaked through with a vengeance. Allen felt sick. 

“Guys, seriously!” Now Lavi’s voice was edging on panic, and Allen looked back at him, more than a little confused.

“Can’t you-?”

The back of Lavi’s hand was pressed against his forehead, and the teen leaned forward, eyes as wide as Allen had ever seen them. They were terrifyingly blank, dark bruises in his face, even as they stared into empty space.

“See?” Lavi finished for him. “No.” An odd grin crossed his face, and his shoulders started to shake. "No, no I can’t.”

For anyone, especially a fighter like him or Lenalee or Kanda or any of Allen’s friends, losing their vision would be devastating. To Lavi, a Bookman who had spent his entire life an observer, Allen couldn’t imagine what it was like. 

Kanda, who had been blessed with the ability to disregard emotions in favor of resolving immediate problems, was the one who spoke first. "Lenalee’s been fucking spitted on a stick,” he said. No one said he coped well, either.  

“You guys aren’t any better off,” Lenalee whispered. Allen… Allen was really tired of people trying to downplay their injuries. Himself included. 

“Don’t try to talk,” Allen told her, and turned to look more closely at Lavi. The dark hollows weren’t just a trick of the light. Though difficult to pick out in the predawn barely-there light, the skin near Lavi’s eyes looked an off-shade of bruised-looking purple. 

That couldn’t be good. 

“Sensory or motor problems, depending on areas affected,” Lavi muttered. “Head injury. Can take hours or days to manifest.” Somewhere in the middle of his ramble, he switched languages: Russian, German, a few Allen didn’t even recognize. 

“For the English speakers out here?” Kanda hissed. If he felt rattled, he was successfully masking it with anger. 

“Brain bleed,” Lavi said. Kanda’s glare darkened. Allen exhaled, and besides him, he felt Lenalee do the same. It wasn’t really that he felt sad, though there was that. It was more… defeated. 

And here he’d been, naively holding on to the last shred of hope that some of them could come out okay.

He didn’t feel like panicking over Lenalee’s injuries anymore, or worrying about Lavi and Kanda. He-

He wanted to rest. 

“Let’s just stay like this,” Lenalee said softly. One gloved hand was pressed to her abdomen, but she’d waved Kanda off. To Allen’s surprise, Kanda jerked his head in an affirmative. Lavi just tilted his head back and closed his eyes. “…Yeah.”

A few minutes of silence. It was getting harder and harder to breathe, Allen noticed idly. And then Lavi asked, “Think it’ll - it’ll be anything different?” 

“Mm?”

“Dying.” Lavi seemed to be enunciating his words with difficulty, which Allen politely ignored. 

“It’s…” He wasn’t entirely sure where to start. 

They’d all had plenty of close shaves with death. Lavi during his imprisonment with the Noah. Allen with Tyki Mikk, Lenalee with the Level Three, Kanda-

Well, Kanda had just died. A lot. 

“Cold,” he decided. “There’s less feeling. Every- Everything goes numb.” 

“It feels like falling asleep,” Lenalee quietly provided. “Time stands still, and you stop worrying. About breathing, and thinking.” So, a lot like what was happening to him right now. Allen wished he was less surprised. 

“It’s fucking annoying,” Kanda contributed grouchily. 

Lavi sighed. “Lots - to look forward to.” 

Allen felt something impossibly warm touch his hand, and he shifted his gaze down with what seemed like a colossal effort. Lenalee’s fingers laced through his, and she gave him a tiny smile. 

Lavi’s arm was still brushing his. On impulse, Allen took his hand, too. “Is this okay?” Maybe since he’d lost the use of his eyes, he’d be okay with anything that broadened his world a little wider. 

“ _Dude_ ,” Lavi muttered, and Allen read a whole essay of  _you’re still worried about that?_ in the one word. Lavi’s hand tightened in his, though, so that was fine. 

Lenalee had grabbed Kanda’s, too, apparently. “Whatever,” Kanda said. That made four dorks holding hands. Allen could hear Cross laughing at him, wherever he was now. 

The dawn finally broke over the horizon, a silver of sun too distant to banish the chill, but still casting streaks of radiant color across the sky. 

“This isn’t a goodbye,” Lenalee told them, voice weak but determined. The illusion of warmth kindled in Allen’s chest, even as light poured over the hills. “We’ll go together.“ 

Kanda’s chin dipped, a silent agreement. “We’ll be here to the very end.” 

Lavi laughed. Allen thought that maybe after everything that had happened, this was enough.


End file.
